One question that I am often asked is why can’t I stop calling or emailing him/her/them? Whether it is a family member or a boyfriend/girlfriend fight, people can fall into a hyper focused state which at the highest level is a form of stalking someone. At the lower levels it can be a type of ruminating (going over and over again details of what happed or what you said). Often the reason focus is getting bombarded because we are seeking something and very likely seeking that something in the wrong place.
It is important to note that it is not about the person, or the event. I believe that in some way it is about our need for approval or control – we seek for it all to be okay. This need is sometimes driven by our adrenaline based self or our low energy self. In the higher adrenaline state we might feel that we have an answer to someone else’s problem that we must solve. In our low state we might seek confirmation that we are okay, still loved, still part of the family, still part of the friend pack.
Healing is around mastering the “urge” rather than receiving approval or fixing what likely was never broken in the first place.
First recognize that it is not “the story”, “the friend”, “the event” or “what was said” that is making you hyper focus – it is perhaps your mind seeking resolution.
Move your focus to the urge – recognize it and separate it in your mind from the person, place or thing. Understand that it is trying to give you something and ask it, “What is it that you are seeking?”
If your focus is seeking peace, love, and acceptance or ….?
Begin to breathing slowly and deeply and turn your focus to how you can replacing the urge with something healthy.
How else might you find peace, love and acceptance?
It takes practice so be gentle with yourself.
Patricia Indigo Irwin
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